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You know, at one point in your life, no matter what age, you feel like your warranty is up, and it is time to start fixing up your body parts.  No, I am not exactly at that stage yet, but our CFO is getting there.  Hopefully he will still be our CFO after he reads this. It is the point in your life where you are no longer growing hair where you want it, and growing it where you really don't want it. Your skin does not have that elasticity that it once had, and kind of feels like a rubber band that has been left on a newspaper sitting on your front step four 6 seasons including 2 winters and two of the hottest  summers on record. Your eyes can see exactly like they did when you were eighteen...after 12 beers and 3 splifs. And , of course the most  important part of the body, the male one at least does not perform exactly like it had all those faithful years. 

You know, the male organ is an amazing creature. If fascinates us from  the ages 2 to 10, watching it perform all kinds of tricks. It grows when we least expect it, almost at random and that growth causes all kinds of problems when we are trying to hit the bowl without getting in all kinds of trouble from our moms. For a 6 year old with a little woodie, hitting the pot light or sky light for that matter is way more likely. Then from 11 to 16, it becomes a source of anticipation, expectation and comparison. We spend our adolescent years seeing if we are "up to Par", and wondering what day, we will finally get to use it for more than one function. Actually, once into our teens, we want to know to the exact second of which day, we will no longer have to lie about not being a virgin any more.  

From 17 through 25, it causes us more problems than you could ever  imagine. It causes us to have relationships that we don't want, causes us to lose relationships that we really do want and cause us go back to the relationships that we don't want with the same girl, over, and over, and over again. Its sturdy construction and well lubricated engine performs miraculously non stop during these years. OK, often it has a tendency to have a bit of a jerky start, and when seemingly brand new has a tendency to run out of gas way too quickly, but at that age, has the ability to go much further on the second tank of gas, and has enough under the hood to even take a third and sometimes a fourth tank of gas in one day. Thanks God, that "Mine" is in perfect condition and will last forever. 

26 to 40 sees an experienced driver, but what's this....We are not  taking it out of the garage all that often any more. We know how to  handle it really well, and know how to hug the curves, but it takes  a wee little bit longer to warm up than it used to when you first  crank the engine. o problem, it will still last for a long long time...as long as you keep it well lubricated and take it into the shop for regular maintenance. Funny, it doesn't get up to its top speed any more and one drive a day is about all the excitement it can  handle. It is at this stage that you have a tendency to overuse the hand brake. 

From 41 to 60 sees a vast diminishing of handling and capabilities.  Screw it, I'll leave it on the lawn instead of putting it into the garage you say. You notice that the once mighty Porsche is riding more like a Hyundai everyday. It's wheels are getting soft and bald, and are not much use any more, as you are trolling down country roads these days instead of circling a racetrack over and over and over again. 

STOP THE PRESSES!!!!!!!! 

What's this??? There is a new product on the market that is able to make  your old buddy run like a brand new cheetah?   Yes, for only a pittance of an investment into your old friend, you can gain back that stamina drive and desire that you once had. 
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So, as I mentioned, our CFO is now in that stage of life where Viagra is  more important than Johnny Walker. I am not so sure though that his wife thinks it is the be all end all. We are pretty close, and she showed me a bit of her diary since he started using the Potent Warrior of Love. 

Day 1. 

Just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he told me to wait in the bathroom while he got ready. Two Playboys, one electric toy and the first eighteen minutes of "Schoolteachers with Desire"., and he called out "Ready". I still had to slap it once or twice to wake it up as it seemed to doze off. 

Day 2. 

Today, he says "can we talk" He's borderline impotent, he says, and he  wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp. 

Day 3. 

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a  picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears. 

Day 4. 

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his spirits. 

Day 7. 

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at  Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you! But, have to admit . . . . 

Day 8. 

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing  the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. Sore as hell. . . . 

Day 10. 

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much.  And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Johnny Walker! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over . . 

Day 11. 

The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching West Side Story and he thought it was "Amsterdam...Love it , live it, Lust it." Even my armpits hurt. He's a nasty man. 

Day 12. 

OK, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. 

Day 13. 

I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying  'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me! Yawning has become my most dangerous bodily function. 

Day 14. 

Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes,  there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like W's daddy, ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out. . . I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" butt-thing again, I'm gonna kill him. 

Day 15. 

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me "Sister Wendy" makes "Father Woody" want to bark like a dog. Help me. 

Day 16. 

I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he want to.  . . . stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. I'm  starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to fuck himself. . . . he did. He must die.  

Well, she is now in great appreciation for me as I have replaced his pills with children's Daily Smurf vitamins. He is wondering why his once dynamic sexual desire has been replaced with a need to wake up on Saturday morning to watch cartoons. I was kind of hoping that she would show her appreciation like only a woman can, but she has decided it would be best if the next time she sees a naked male body it would be when she has a grandson. 

Well, modern medicine has done wonderful things for the penis. It has  made it longer, harder, faster, more powerful than a locomotive and able  to leap tall buildings at a single bound. It has given men the ability to have sex for hours on end, not that ALL of us need pharmaceuticals to achieve that, but it has also given rise to later in life pregnancies, which is a concern for many people. Thus, additional medical intervention is needed. Many Urologists do not perform life altering surgery on just anybody. You have to go through a rigorous screening process ... or you have to have $5000 , one of the two. We have obtained a letter from a prominent urologist asking for such a procedure 


Dear Doctor, 

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are  numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are  absolutely useless.  

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method."  While trying the revived hustle, and the latest hip hop dances my wife  fell pregnant, and we may have had an additional child during the 7  years had I not I ruptured myself severely doing the lambada in the mid 90's. 

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were  living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period,  when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work. 

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be all right. It's hardly tastes like A Mountain Dew , but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair, the urge to get up at 2:00 am to drink more, and, oh yeah, another child on the way. 

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this  would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious. Please refer her to a plastic surgeon  to consider a breast reduction. 

I asked a pharmacist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't  surprise me, as I fail to see how a Latex stretched over the thumb can  prevent a baby. I found out I was allergic and had hives break out all over my body later that evening. 

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful  attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw. 

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not  interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead. 

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realized we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it  between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her.  This did work for a while until the night she forgot it.... another child resulted. 

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I  shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing. 

Yours faithfully, 
John Doe 

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HAVE FUN WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX. 

Do you ever wish you had that extra edge that would help make you more interesting to the opposite sex? 

Pheromones are natural chemical scents the body produces to attract the opposite sex. They are well documented in the animal kingdom to  precipitate mating between animals. Scientists now are finding that humans are not any different. 

Check out Pheromonesrus to learn about the most powerful pheromones available to the public. Click here for information: 

Wouldn't it be fantastic, if the male Penis was totally pliable? Could 
you imagine being able to make it as big or small as you like...on 
demand? Screw viagra...what you need is a super penis...or at least a 
reasonable facsimile. 

To get our "Penile Pleasure Pumped Video File of Fun" in Today's Fabulous Funnies Super Secret Download Emporium Click on: 

Download

Note that this should not be confused with today's Flash file of fun at the end of the issue. 

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Click Here 4 ASX Sound File >>> Viagra ... Yeah baby <<< Click Here 4 ASX Sound File
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Women... 
Start taking care of yourself... 
If men can easily enlarge their Penis's, why can't you enlarge your bust? 
You can!!! 
LARGER, FIRMER, SEXIER BREASTS! 
 

 ************************************************** 

Happy October. Pretty scary isn't it? We are going to be spending the whole month 
devoting out flash file of fun, and out download emporium to Halloween. So, check out the emporium, check out the Flash File of fun, and if you want to have loads of fun, right on your computer, just head over to http://www.oska.com/tahni.pht?id=773323 
where you will find everything you need to have the hottest interactive model, right on your PC 


Continuing our month of Halloween Flash File of Fun Animations, today, 
what happens when you cross Viagra with a St. Bernard? To find out, do 
absolutely anything other than click on the following file, as it has 
absofuckinglutely nothing to do with Viagra and St. Bernards. 
But, it has loads to do with Halloween. 
To Get Today's Magnificently mummifying Flash File of Fun of Fun, 
Click on: