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OK, show of hands...
Men...Which of you get in constant trouble with your wife? 
Women...How many of you have husbands who constantly go out of their way to piss you off, yet you always stay non menopausal,  keep serene, never glance poison daggers their way or accidentally spill some Neat in their shampoo. Funny, I can see its about the same number for each. 

You know, men don't really have to do anything to get in trouble by their wives. They can be sitting there, minding their own  business, when all of the sudden, out of the blue, their wife will come over and ask... 

What are you thinking about? 

Now, the answer to this simple question should be something like " I'm sorry if I've been overly pensive today my love. I was just  reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."  This response obviously bears no resemblance to the truth, and unless you have the bare minimum of the acting credentials of the cast  of Friends, and I do mean the bare minimum, you will be caught, grilled, tarred and feathered and denied sex for a month...which in many a case is a vast improvement over your current frequency. 

Although the answer, which most likely is one of the following: 
a. Baseball. 
b. Football. 
c. How fat you are. 
d. How much prettier she is than you. 
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. 

is what you would like to reply, perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy,who once told Peg, "If I wanted  you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!" 

This can, and will invoke almost always a second question, which will be something like 

Do you love me? 

There is only one suitable answer to this which is a firm: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear.", "Yes my love" and "yes Ma'am" if you are from the South. 

Inappropriate responses include: 
a. Yes Sir. 
b. Oh Yeah, shit loads. 
c. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? 
d. That depends on what you mean by love. 
e. Does it matter? 
f. Who, me? 

as well as giggling uncontrollable when you say "YES" 

Often, the question which will get you into the most trouble, is 
"Do I look fat?" 

The correct answer to this question is somewhat more difficult than answering your 5 year old as to why is the sky blue. 

The best possible answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" 

Among the incorrect answers are: 
a. Compared to what? 
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. 
c. A little extra weight looks good on you. 
d. I've seen fatter. 
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. 

No matter what your answer is, your wife will think that she is fat, and that you have another woman. 

This will often not bring up the simple question..."Are you having an affair", but will bring up the trick question..."Is she is prettier than me?", trying to make you fumble the ball. 

The answer here, geniuses, is "WHO?", and not "Of course not!" 

Once you have decided to end your life or risk losing your testicles to a eyebrow plucker in the middle of the night by saying the stupid answer, you may as well go out with a bang. This will include answers such as: 
a. Yes, but you have a better personality 
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner 
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age 
d. Define pretty 
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. 

Which brings us to the question that will get you in more shit than you can  imagine...and you know that she will ask this question if not several, at least one time before she denies you sex forever..."What would you do if I died?" 

This is a definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and an airplane") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: 

WOMAN: Would you get married again? 
MAN: Definitely not! 
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married? 
MAN: Of course I do. 
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? 
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. 
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) 
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? 
MAN: Where else would we sleep? 
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? 
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. 
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? 
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed 
WOMAN: - - - silence - - - 
MAN: Oh shit. 

Busted again...Didn't you learn her MO from the Prettier question? 

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Being at home, with your wife, is not the only place in the world that you can get into trouble from women...I have found ways to get in trouble that women only fantasize about...she is THAT GOOD! 

You see, the truth is, that women ARE from Venus. Don't try to understand it, don't try to fix it, and don't try to change it. All you can do is rent it for a few hours and enjoy it, because if you buy it, it will bring you nothing but trouble. See, we can accept the fact that we are so different than you, but you can't accept it from us. 

To illustrate a point, the following is the ways that my wife will handle a situation, and how I will. 

1) To Prevent ice cream cones from dripping. 

My Wife's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone 

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone. For God's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up while eating it anyways. When you get in shit for that, and you will, and when she gives you shit that you could choke if you eat in that position, and she will, tell her that you are eating that way to prevent the possibility of any ice cream touching the couch. Tell her that this way it will drip onto your shirt, or naked chest, and if it is the latter, you can bet your mortgage that you are more likely to have her let you have a threesome with her two sisters than get her to lick the ice cream off of your chest. 

2) To get perfectly round, perfectly sized pancakes each and every time 

My Wife's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle. 

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag. Try this. Take her Mont. Blanc pen, and jab it through the plastic really quickly. The combination of the frozen plastic, and the swiftness of your hands will "break" the plastic, and let you slide the pancake out. Don't worry about putting the rest back in the box. Just shove it in the freezer as is. 

3) To keep potatoes from budding. 

My Wife's Way: Place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. 

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. 

4) To prevent egg shells from cracking when making hard boiled eggs. 

My Wife's way: Add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling. 

My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway? 

5) To get the most juice out of fresh lemons. 

My Wife's way: Bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing. 

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs. You may get an added bonus if you place it on your wife's side, as she will toss and turn increasing the amount of REM states she will be in. A heightened amount of REM states will make her more susceptible to subliminal suggestions while she sleeps, and you may be actually able to get a blow job the next morning. 

Caution: If she finds out what you have done, she may just use her teeth just enough to cause excruciating pain when she takes the lemon and squeezes it over your hardened member just as you are about to shoot, and the pain send you reeling backwards knocking a paining off of the wall causing a permanent scar on your forehead and $1200 in restorative fees to the Art Gallery...And DO NOT GO THERE in trying to find out how I can give such a detailed explanation of what might happen. 

6) To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet. 

My Wife's way: Simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop. 

My way: Eat at Denny's every night and avoid cooking. 

7) How to avoid orange stains on tupperware when pouring tomato based sauces in it. 

My Wife's way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains. 

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers. 

8) How to avoid getting white mess on the side of cakes (OMG, you have to try the recipe below...it is to die for) when flour is called for in the baking pan. 

My Wife's way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead. 

My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you, and put your wife's name on the cake. 

Caution. Avoid spelling it wrong. Contrary to popular belief, icing does sting your eyes when shoved into them with a g-force greater than 1 

9) How to correct the common problem of oversalting a sauce or soup mix. 

My Wife's way: Drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up" 

My way: Duh...Add lots of pepper. Don't they teach you anything? 

10) How to keep a cucumber from going soft after a few days. 

My Wife's way. Wrap it in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. 

My way: Cucumber? Never heard of the stuff. 

Side Bar: Do not make a joke to her about the fact that she can handle a cucumber and keep it hard for weeks, but how come she cannot handle you the same way. I can assure you that the only thing more painful than he  wrapping aluminum foil around your soft member while you sleep is the few seconds later when she wakes you up, naked and tells you that she wants to have a threesome with her sister and you...NOW! 

Caution: NEVER joke about Cucumbers the day after she finds out that you subliminally induced her into giving you head. See # 5 above. For the first time in your life, you will wish you were born without one. 

11) How to get a beautiful glossy finish on Pie Crust. 

My Wife's way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking. 

My way: Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it. 

12): How to o determine whether an egg is fresh or not. 

My Wife's way: Immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away. 

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh. 

13) Cure for headaches 

My Wife's way: Cover your eyes well. Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. 

My way: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The lime juice will drip into the corners of your eyes, and the intense pain comparable to anesthetic free root canal, plus the fact that you will not be able to regain your sight for 2 to 3 hours, will make you forget about the headache. 

14) What to do with leftover wine? 

My Wife's way: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. 

My way: Who the hell have you been having wine with? The last time there was any leftover wine was at my briss. 

15)How to open stuck jars. 

My Wife's way: Use latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. 

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it. Debbie is always wearing latex anyways. 

16) Cleaning tips. 

My wife's ways: Use Alka Seltzer 

Clean a toilet: Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China.  Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. 
Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer-tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. 
Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). 

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once. 

Ever wonder how AVHumor stays free considering the incredibly expensive  the operational costs that are involved in sending out Multimedia Humor?  By you supporting our sponsors. Each and every one of you should be buying the next sponsors product. WHY you ask? 
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I often take a look at trivia and poll results, cuz that's just the kind of guy I am. I wanted to bring to your attention that in a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 women across the US were asked to identify their ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that their ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.  That I can believe, as that is the same as most men's fantasies ... to have two women at once. The huge, and I mean HUGE difference here, is that men want one woman to make love to them while the other goes down on him, and the women want one man to cook while the other cleans the kitchen. 

Being the kind of guy that I am, it seems like I am in shit with my wife, just about every day of the week. It would be more often, but she rarely laces into me when she is sleeping. Just in case you are one of those guys, who are just not bright enough to realize when the trouble that you consistently get into, is about to get into the level of impending divorce, I wanted to share with you the warning signs that will tell you to shape up, or start looking for that once a month sex kitten elsewhere. 

15. She keeps trying to convince you to try a threesome...with you and two OTHER women. 

14. After you beg, plead, grovel and offer mutual funds for sex she replies, "OK, but wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in." 

13. The last time she screamed during sex was when she realized that she didn't quite put the phone on the hook properly when she  was talking to her daddy. 

12. If she only moans during commercial breaks. 

11. She starts her fake orgasms during foreplay hoping that you will just jump right on, get it over with so she wont miss the beginning of Letterman. 

10. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show, in an isolation chamber next to Mark, who is in leg braces and wearing a number on his chest for strangling his wife after she left him, and Bruce, who came out of his closet only to find his wife in the arms of another woman...also named Bruce. 

9. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead. 

8. During an orgasm of intense proportions, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Nani Nani Poo Poo" 

7. You discover that her moans of delight are actually am MP3 file. 

6. Her period has increased in length, and now lasts for the entire month except for the third Thursday of each month...at 3:31 PM 

5. She keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?" 

4. She holds up a picture of your EX, superimposed on a Penthouse centerfold to hurry you along. 

3. Asks to be on top so she has better control...of the TV remote 

2. She yells out her own name.(yeah, I used it last month, but it is still funny) 

And the number one tell tale sign that she is getting really bored with you in bed, 

1. She bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin. 

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Happy October. Pretty scary isn't it? We are going to be spending the whole month 
devoting out flash file of fun, and out download emporium to Halloween. So, check out 
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where you will find everything you need to have the hottest interactive model, right on your PC 


To kick off our month of Halloween Flash File of Fun Animations, today, 
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