SUBSCRIPTION 
INSTRUCTIONS

If you have 
received this from a friend,  and would like AVHumor to 
come to your e-mail box twice a week, and can view mail in HTML format, CLICK on  
Subscribe HTML 
Be sure to let us 
know the address of the friend that you got it from by 
putting their e-mail address in the subject line

To get some great random Naughty Poetry, click on
Naughty Poetry

Do you love AVHumor? You Betcha!
Why not give us a vote or confidence or recommend us to a friend? 
Rank us NOW!:
Rank us High! 

Want to reach well over 82,000 adults at a fraction of the cost of an ad in Yahoo? 
Do you have a new web site or EMag, but no traffic? Are you looking to make more  money from your Internet business? 

 Believe it or not, Christmas is not as far off as you think.  Stimulate traffic to your site this Fall!

Advertise in AVHumor, Awesome Jokes or one of our many other EMags. Rates start at about a dime for 40 impressions. To find out our rates and available dates,  
CLICK on ADS 
with AVHumor. 

PAY PER VIEW
...This week...

See what it was that Dirty Bastard bob got arrested for. 
Real Hidden Fitting Rooms 3. You will never get changed the same way again! 
Just $6.99 

This special Lazy Sunday Joke is brought to you by the folks 
over at our on line store...Hey, that's US! 


One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! 
Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most 
beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. 

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with 
you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She's a wonderful 
wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I 
used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half- 
sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." 

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started 
dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly 
announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." 

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the 
sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry 
about this." 

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the 
news. 

"Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married," 
he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is 
my half-sister." 

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he 
says, dear. He's not really your father!" 

What goes on behind Jailhouse bars? 
It never happened in any Elvis film...6 High-Grade DVDs to choose from!!! 

Jail Babes in Action...The hottest scenes behind bars ever filmed. 
26 titles to choose from. 

Can't get your lover to stay still for a second? 
Choose from our selection of 19 different sets of Cuffs. 
From Genuine police Models to Fur ones. 
Starting at just $7.74. 
You have not experienced erotica until you have been tied down! 

AVHumor
The Store

AVHumor is a great ice-breaker.  Start off your e-mail or conversation by saying...hey...did you see last weeks AVHumor?  Then you're in.  We will accept invitations to the wedding and best man duties.

We will even invite 
your friends to join 
for you. All you 
have to do is click 
on the following 
link, Recommend a Friend , and give us the names of those lucky friends. 

Please allow up to four days for the change to be made

Want to revisit 
last Issue's 
Sponsor? ...Just 
click below

Penitone is a web site that will teach you how to Enlarge your Penis, 
both in length, and girth without dangerous surgery, pumps, weights or  other potentially harmful gadgets. At Penitone, you will also learn how  to maintain an erection using all natural techniques used for centuries. 

Men... you owe it to yourself, and your partner to painlessly and permanently enlarge your penis for less than a good box of condoms. 
Women...There is no better gift you can give your man than the gift of  confidence...and what better gift can he give you back. 

In only a few weeks, hundreds of AVHumor subscribers, subscriber's husbands and  boyfriends have enlarged their Penises. You too can start your own success story in  less than 5 minutes by going to: 
Penitone

Hey, if you are reading this, you KNOW how effective advertising in AVHumor can be. Let us create a campaign for you. 
Advertise to 10,000 or 100,000 or even 1,000,000 
E-mail us at Avhumor.com with the subject line "AV Ad Rates" 
and get your ad seen by over 82,000 loyal AVHumor subscribers. 

=================
  AMERICAN FLAGS  
=================




3'x5' Outdoor Flag, Just $9.95


When you buy a remembrance flag, The Email Shopping Network
 will donate 10% of total Flag Sales in your name to the 
American Red Cross designated to the relief efforts in New York. 

If you are new to AVHumor, I would like to personally welcome you. 
Just so that your first experience can be a double dose, if you would like to see the last issue, the archive is at:  From The Absorbed To The Ridiculous and for all of our older issues, please visit: Our AVArchives

Just a friendly reminder to have you guys recommend a friend.  I want to be able to afford to keep AVHumor Fabulous and Free for a long long LONG time, but in order for me to do that I need you ALL to recommend at least 3 friends to AVHumor. It is easy as can be. Just click on: Recommend a Friend and fill in your address and those of as many friends as you like. Our automatic software will do the rest. 

Also, please remember to visit our sponsors like our brand new sponsor above whenever you see something that catches your eye.  We at AVhumor do not run too many run of the mill ads.  We are constantly looking for products and sites that we think will peak your interest.  So, please support our sponsors.  After all, they are the ones who keep AVHumor coming to you free of charge.

So, today was a fairly lazy Sunday. With the Jewish holidays these past two weeks, I have been eating enough to have Weight Watchers stock  shoot up tomorrow morning at the opening of the bell. I marveled at the Rabbi in Synagogue this past week. He kept having to get up and Shhhhhhh everyone. What does he expect? Does he really thing that when 1000 of us congregate in a closed room that we won't  talk?  

So, since it is one of our biggest holidays, I decided to take the day off, and rather than write anything, to just put together a few ideas on what to do on a lazy Sunday Afternoon. 

The first thing you can do, is go through your old joke book, and imagine what it would be like, if you asked the same joke to everyone you know....would you get the same answer from everyone? 

^{Why did the chicken cross the road?} 

PAT BUCHANAN 
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. 

JERRY FALWELL 
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the  plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other  side." That's what "they" call it-the "other side." Yes, my friends,  that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become  gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort  out this  abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with  seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should  not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that. 

DR. SEUSS 
Did the chicken cross the road? 
Did he cross it with a toad? 
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, 
but why it crossed, I've not been told! 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY 
To die. In the rain. 

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. 
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called in question. 

GRANDPA 
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. 

ARISTOTLE 
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. 

KARL MARX 
It was a historical inevitability. 

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK 
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. 

FOX MULDER 
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? 

FREUD 
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual, insecurity. 

DR. LAURA 
Because it was having amoral dilemma and had to mend fences as it was it chick's hen. 

BILL GATES 
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but  will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook  and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. 

EINSTEIN 
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the  chicken? 

BILL CLINTON 
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please? 

LOUIS FARRAKHAN 
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed  the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. 

AL GORE 
To vote for me 

THE BIBLE 
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou  shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was  much rejoicing. 

COLONEL SANDERS 
I missed one? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Special Limited-Time Offer, save over $79 plus get FREE SHIPPING!

You have a short time to profit from an unusual overstock situation.  Vidbidness, producers of Lovers Caught on Tape, and other hot adult titles, is preparing a massive TV campaign, and needs to clear out stock from their warehouse. They are making a very special deal available to our readers-9 tapes, 9 hours of programming, for $99.99, PLUS FREE SHIPPING. This is your chance to stock up now for the holidays, or just add to your collection. These tapes and DVD's  normally sell for $21.99 EACH. THIS MAKES A GREAT XMAS GIFT!!!

To order on VHS, save $79 AND get FREE SHIPPING, click here: 

Take a look at what you'll get: 

Lovers Caught on Tape 1 
MORE Lovers Caught on Tape 
Lovers Caught on Tape 3 
Lesbian Lovers Caught on Tape 
Undercover Stripper Vol. 1 
Undercover Stripper Vol. 2 
Undercover Stripper Vol. 3 
Mile High Club 
Naked Fishing with the Alluring Babes 

You Save Over $98! 

EVERYTHING you order from Vidbidness is covered by their 100% unconditional, one-full-year money back guarantee. If you're ever less than 100% satisfied with your order, up to one full year after you receive it, just return it for a prompt and  courteous refund - GUARANTEED! 

To Order on DVD ($10 extra) click here: 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Another thing you can do, is read the Sunday paper...and imagine if the  articles were written by someone else. 

What if Dear Abby were a man.... 

Dear Mr. Abby: 
Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me. 

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing -- your sister. Far from being an issue, this can bring all of the family together.  Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him be with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. 

Dear Mr. Abby: 
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. 

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per  spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, and gives a  great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to you  to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is really not  that enjoyable for a man. He just wants to do it because he loves you.  Buy him a nice present, cook him a nice meal, and don't stress-out about it. 

Dear Mr. Abby: 
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. 

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for him. Just look at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't get on him about this. He is under enough stress as it is. 

Dear Mr. Abby: 
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. 

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish  to videotape yourself while doing this, and sell it. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal. 

Dear Mr. Abby: 
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. 

A: Foreplay to a man is a very humiliating experience. Insisting upon it,  demonstrates to your husband that you do not love him as much as you  should, and turns sex into another act of drudgery for him. Abandon all  wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying him a nice, expensive  present, and cook him a nice meal. 

Dear Mr. Abby: 
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. 

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It was created and fostered by militant,  man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it  again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice, expensive  present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal! 


Whisk me away to: 
AVHumor's Fabulous Funnies Super Secret Download Emporium for 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Today's AVHumor download.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

CYBER DETECTIVE 
The software Private Investigators wish was kept secret. 

Find out everything you need to know about your friends, your boss, 
your neighbors, your co-workers, job applicants and even your lover. 
Uncover the truth about anyone. 
Use Unlimited Times - FREE Lifetime Updates...Just $29 

"Backed by a Solid 90 Day 100% No-Risk Money Back Guarantee" 
CYBER DETECTIVE 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

And, one of the most exciting things you can do on a lazy Sunday, is to ride the elevator in your building over and over again. If you are not in a building with an elevator ... Simple ... MOVE!. If you are, just keep riding. We have enclosed several things you can do to keep yourself occupied. 

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers. 

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up,  dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 

4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 

7. Shave. 

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got  enough air in there?" 

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours 
upside-down.
 
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 

11. When at your floor, strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed  when they open by themselves. 

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and  ask  them to call you Admiral. 

14. One word: Flatulence! 

15. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:  "I've got new socks on!" 

16. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not  now, damn motion sickness!" 

17. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 

18. Meow occasionally. 

19. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 

20. Frown and mutter "Gotta go...Gotta go..." then sigh and say "Oops!" 

21. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 

22. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. 

23. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 

24. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side. 

25. Stare at a passenger and announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 

26. Burp, and then say "Mmmmm...tasty!" 

27. Leave a box between the doors. 

28. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 

29. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 

30. Start a sing-along. 

31. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your 
beeper?" 

32. Play the harmonica. 

33. Shadow box. 

34. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 

35. Lean against the button panel. 

36. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 

37. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 

38. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and inform the other 
passengers that this is your "personal space." 

39. Bring a chair along. 

40. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see 
wha in muh mouf?" 

41. Blow spit bubbles. 

|42. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 

43. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host  body."

44. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 

45. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 

46. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 

47. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." 

48. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Want to try out a few other FREE lists? (If you do, it'll help us grow, so give it a shot)  CLICK HERE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LARGER, FIRMER, SEXIER BREASTS! 

Nothing turns a man on more in the fall and winter, than a tight sweater. 
OK, well whipped cream and handcuffs, maybe might do it for some, 
but, for most, it is to see your voluptuous shape. 
New Curves
Forget about implants. Try a safe, painless solution. 
Please Click on the following URL, and see what Newcurves is all about: 

Also specializing in Herbal Viagra Alternatives for both men & women, 
Prostate care Fat Burner and herbal hair regrowth or removal. 

Camping. What could be more joyous? How about running free in the woods? 
How about running Naked, free in the woods? OK, How about running naked 
through the woods, with a camera and a hard-on? 

To get our "God Forbid there is a stray branch with thorns" File of Fun in Today's Fabulous Funnies Super Secret Download Emporium Click on: 
Download

Note that this should not be confused with today's Flash file of fun at the end of the issue. 

Please note that the address for the autoresponder at Netscape has not been working 
since Netscape did their overhaul and we are not sure when it will be working, 
so if you sent it there and have not yet received your premier issue, 
just resend it to the new address in the link. 

Please try our some of our other Newsletters...

• For The Funniest Daily Adult Jokes, Subscribe to:    Awesome Jokes
  

• For Adult jaw-dropping true tales of vice & A great game of truth or Dare, Subscribe to Divinity's Vice
  

• Our own Staff Sex Expert, Divinity, teaches you about Sex, erotica and answers all your tough personal questions.  Subscribe to Divinity's Sex Forum.
  

• For Columnists you know and Love, Get them Free in your E-Mail:
  Liz Smith,    John Gray (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) or    Art Buchwald
  

• For everything Health related, Join Rocket Rob in our weekly Wellness EZine
  

• To get a daily concoction of outrageous bar drinks from around the globe, that will leave your tongue numb and impress your date, subscribe to: Magic Mikes Alcoholic Daily Mixture.   
  

• For Everything Free on the net, and Deals that will make you feel like a million bucks, Try out Steals & Deals
  

Click Here 4 MP3 Sound File >>> A Classic Waste of Time <<< Click Here 4 MP3 Sound File
Click Here 4 help with audio Files >>> HELP-AUDIO <<< Click Here 4 help with audio Files

BREAKTHROUGH HERBAL SEX ENHANCER! 

TURBO-BOOST your sex drive, dramatically INCREASE your staying power, 
MAGNIFY your orgasms, counter impotency. This breakthrough, 
all natural herbal sex enhancer is SAFE with NO SIDE EFFECTS! 
100% money back guarantee! 

**********

STOP BEING FRUSTRATED WITH "DOMAIN NAME UNAVAILABLE"

There are so many sites on the Web that it's getting difficult for surfers to find what they're looking for.  The Internet is supposed to make finding information easier! Thanks to the 20 new top-level domains enabled by NewNet, it will be. Newnet makes it easy to register a name with .club, .shop, .mp3, .free, .tech, .XXX, .kids, game, .travel or any of the other new extensions. For a limited time...$25

^{New Net}

 ************************************************** 

What could be better to do on a Sunday than going to the Circus and seeing the clowns? 
Better watch out for the ones in yellow though. They are a bit strange...but they do make the kids laugh. 
To Get Today's Super Sunday Silly Flash File of Fun, Click on:
http://www.avhumor.com/oskaflash/humor_fb_clown.swf