 |
|
If you have
received this from a friend, and would like AVHumor to
come to your e-mail box twice a week, and can view mail in HTML format, CLICK on
Subscribe
HTML
Be sure to let us
know the address of the friend that you got it from by
putting their e-mail address in the subject line
|
~~~~~~~~~~~
AVHumor's
Naughty Poetry
What sex was like in the beginning of mankind.
In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lived Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.
In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Nevertheless to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
there was Eve's treasure
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
To Eve' virgin eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.
They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
Time marched on
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.
They had a son
And then another
Eve was enjoying
Being a Mother
Or was it Adam
She enjoyed so much
In the garden
Under the hutch
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
To get some great random Naughty Poetry, click on
Naughty
Poetry
Do you love AVHumor? You Betcha!
Why not give us a vote or confidence or recommend us to a friend?
Rank us NOW!:
Rank us High!
|
To Change your
Email, Hold Your Email, Questions or suggestions CLICK
on Help (And be sure
to put the type of help
you need in the subject line) |
|
Want to reach well over
adults at a fraction of the cost of an ad in Yahoo?
Do you have a new web site or EMag, but no traffic? Are you looking to make more
money from your Internet business?
Believe
it or not, Christmas
is not as far off as you think. Stimulate traffic to
your site this Fall!
Advertise in AVHumor,
Awesome Jokes or one of our many other EMags. Rates start at
about a dime for 40 impressions. To find out our rates and available dates,
CLICK on ADS
with AVHumor. |
NEW FEATURE
From:
AVHumor the Store
PAY PER VIEW
...This week...
See what it was that Dirty Bastard bob got arrested for.
Real Hidden Fitting Rooms 3. You will never get changed the same way again!
Just $6.99
This special Oldest Profession in the World Joke is brought to you by the folks
over at our on line store...Hey, that's US!
Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children
in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said
"Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"
What goes on behind
Jailhouse bars?
It never happened in any Elvis film...6 High-Grade DVDs to choose from!!!
Jail Babes in Action...The hottest scenes behind bars ever filmed.
26 titles to choose from.
Can't get your lover to stay still for a second?
Choose from our selection of 19 different sets of Cuffs.
From Genuine police Models to Fur ones.
Starting at just $7.74.
You have not experienced erotica until you have been tied down!
AVHumor
The Store
|
Feel free to send
this e-mail off to
everyone who you either know, or would like to know in this millennium.
AVHumor is a great ice-breaker. Start off your e-mail or
conversation by saying...hey...did you see last weeks
AVHumor? Then you're in. We will accept invitations to
the wedding and best man duties.
We will even invite
your friends to join
for you. All you
have to do is click
on the following
link, Recommend a Friend
, and give us the names of those lucky
friends.
|
To send submissions
to the community
CLICK on Submit (Be
sure to put the type of
file that you are
enclosing in the
subject line) |
To unsubscribe
CLICK on
Unsubscribe
Please allow up to four days for the change to
be made
|
|
Want to revisit
last Issue's
Sponsor? ...Just
click below |
|
123
Numerology
|
|
Unlock your true potential, gain a better understanding of your inner
self, and learn the secrets to wealth, love, success and happiness.
Professional numerology readings by one of the world's greatest numerologists.
Just $15.95 and it comes with a 100% money-back guaranteed.
Numerology works! Why trust your future to just another numerology
newcomer or wannabe who has decided to throw together a website.
Get a reading by one of the world's most eminent and experienced numerologists.
|
|
123
Numerology
|
|
|
|
Hey, if you are reading this, you KNOW how effective advertising in
AVHumor can be. Let us create a campaign for you.
Advertise to 10,000 or 100,000 or even 1,000,000
E-mail us at Avhumor.com
with the subject line "AV Ad Rates"
and get your ad seen by over 82,000 loyal AVHumor subscribers.
|
|
YOU, an
Internet Star??
You bet!!"
Becoming an Internet Star is all about Publicity. We will help you create Millions of Dollars of FREE Publicity to put YOU in the Internet Spotlight. It’s fun, and easy.
Internet Super Stars have one little secret to their popularity and wealth, and we share it with you
here.
TIME-LIMITED SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY PRICE!!
Turn on the Spotlight Now at:
|
|
Today's AVHumor is
being brought to you by Penitone
Penitone is a web site that will teach you how to Enlarge your Penis,
both in length, and girth without dangerous surgery, pumps, weights or
other potentially harmful gadgets. At Penitone, you will also learn how
to maintain an erection using all natural techniques used for centuries.
Men... you owe it to yourself, and your partner to painlessly and
permanently enlarge your penis for less than a good box of condoms.
Women...There
is no better gift you can give your man than the gift of
confidence...and what better gift can he give you back.
In only a few weeks, hundreds of AVHumor subscribers, subscriber's
husbands and boyfriends have enlarged their Penises. You too can
start your own success story in less than 5 minutes by going to:
Penitone
*****
|
Hey, if you are reading this, you KNOW how effective advertising in
AVHumor can be. Let us create a campaign for you.
Advertise to 10,000 or 100,000 or even 1,000,000
E-mail us at Avhumor.com
with the subject line "AV Ad Rates"
and get your ad seen by over 82,000 loyal AVHumor subscribers.
|
|
If you are new to AVHumor, I would like to personally welcome you.
Just so that your first experience can be a double dose, if you would like to see the last issue, the archive is at: A
Date is Just a Date
and for all of our older issues, please visit: Our
AVArchives
Just a friendly reminder to have you guys recommend a friend.
I want to be able to afford to keep AVHumor
Fabulous and Free for a long long LONG time, but in order for me
to do that I need you ALL to recommend at least 3 friends to AVHumor. It is easy as can be. Just
click on: Recommend a Friend and fill in your address and those of as many friends as you like. Our automatic software will do the rest.
Also, please remember to visit our sponsors like our brand new
sponsor above whenever you see
something that catches your eye. We at AVhumor do not run
too many run of the mill ads. We are constantly looking
for products and sites that we think will peak your
interest. So, please support our sponsors. After all,
they are the ones who keep AVHumor coming to you free of charge.
You know, they call prostitution the oldest profession in the world. That is basically because sex has not really changed since the
beginning of time. Men thought with their penises back then, they do now, and will just about forever. Yeah, yeah, there are a few
guys who are in touch with their feminine side, who cry a lot and sit down to pee, but most of us think with the little guy between our legs,
and marry a woman who ultimately is disgusted that we think that way, and that is what life is all about. My wife sent me to see a
professional to see if I could get in touch with my feminine side. This woman was very good, and a great success, not to mention an
absolute knockout. I eventually did get in touch with my feminine side, but it turned out that my feminine side was a lesbian, so it
didn't help out my wife ... much. Yeah, I'm grinning!
You see, men will always look, and even stray, but always come home to the woman that cooks, makes the bed and has your
children call her "Mommy". Pigs, I know we are, but there is nothing that anyone can do about it. Oh, the feminine movement has tried....They have had rallies and burnt their
bras. What the hell were they thinking. I can just see a few women sitting around the table, getting high on a few Virginia Slims, and
saying...I know, lets show those men just how equal we are. We are tired of being looked upon as sex object. What separates us from the
men....A BRA!!! That nasty contraption that we put on in the front and do spins and contortions to get it on properly. If we go out in
public and take them off in public and burn them, we will gain a whole new respect and men will look at us in a whole new light.
Like that did a lot of good for them not being looked at as sex objects. Sure we looked at you in a whole new light. The light that when
positioned at the right angle shows through your blouse, and now without your bra shows the perfect outline of your breast and
nipples.
I just don't get it. Women seem to take every step they can to prove that they are at the losing end of some unknown battle.
Throughout time, women always frowned upon the town prostitute, and today is no easier...even for those sweet young women working their
way through college who do exotic dancing for a living. The feminists say that it degrades women. What planet are they on? I go to a
strip club, pay a small fortune for half dozen lap dances, walk out at 4 in the morning with a hard on and hangover and the strippers walk
out with a G-Note each...Who is the one degraded? But do you see us men complaining about it....No way.
Do you want to know what is degrading to women that they should be pissed off about? Did you know that in some states, where
they serve alcohol, strippers have to wear a g-string. Some states even have a law that makes them cover 1/3 of their buttocks. Did
you also know that there is no law demanding plumbers do the same? THAT is what they should be pissed off about.
In today's day and age...you have to be mighty careful. With all the lunatics and STD's around, no amount of caution is too much.
Here are some valuable tips from Marla to help you "play it safe":
* Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.
* Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.
* Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the
clergy from harm."
* Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.
* When taking four penises in the ass, make sure to have an equal
amount in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.
* Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"
* Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.
* To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.
* If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best.
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WIN A $5000 PENTIUM® 4 COMPUTER SYSTEM
Enter to win a Pentium® 4 Computer in the
Free Home Office Sweepstakes! Plus,
get 250 premium custom color business cards (an $85 value)
… FREE just for entering!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
One thing that has not changed since the beginning of time, is how women react sexually to menopause. It can be extremely
beneficial for you to know when your wife is entering her Menopausal years. We have put together a guide for you.
Hot Flashes ~ You come home from work one chilly day in December, and are greeted at the front door with your wife wearing
nothing but a smile. You later find out that all the widows have been welded open and that she has sold your home heating system on
e-bay.
Mood Swings ~ You jokingly remark that it is OK, and that you do not need to worry about the windows or the heating system, as
you will buy a small wood stove for when she is out, but that for the majority of the time, when home, you can use her body to heat
the family room this winter. Rather than her just saying that she is not amused, she shoots you in the groin. She feels remorse as you
come out of recovery.
Memory Loss ~ You come home from work and find out that she has written post-it notes with your kids' names on them and has
stuck them to each kid's forehead. Yours is on your dinner plate. The good news is that you do not need to worry about getting in
shit this anniversary. Oh fuck, that reminds me that I have a make up gift to make up for when I didn't remember mine earlier this
month. Why didn't any of you remind me? Any chance at 38 she can get it...like tonight?
Irritability ~ You come home from work after a great day, and cheerfully say, "Hi honey, I'm home." and your wife's reply is, "Well, if
it isn't Ozzie Fucking Nelson.". I'm so glad you could make it to dinner you useless piece of
dogmeat. Speaking of which.. I made you a terrific supper. Menopause Surprise. Care to guess what is in it?
Dryness: ~ You receive an unexpected invoice from Jiffy Lube in the amount of $427. When you call to inquire, they ask you how
many in your fleet did you service last month as they never have sent out an invoice for that amount before. The delivery receipt was
signed by "X"
Night Sweats ~ Your son in the room below you complains of an annoying drip and it has not rained for 33 days.
Antagonism ~ The drier has shrunk every last pair of your jeans, your golf balls have cut marks in them, your remote control has
every buttoned programmed to the history channel, and she is encouraging you to find some 22 year old to have an affair with so that
you leave her the fuck alone.
Sleeplessness ~ The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives her four hours of decent rest.
Fatigue ~ You spend the better part of the time that used to be spent making passionate love, picking guacamole out of her hair after
a Mexican dinner.
Mild Incontinence ~ She changes her underwear after every sneeze.
Sudden Weight Gain ~ You need Jaws Of Life to get her out of your Range Rover after returning home from an Italian restaurant.
Female Hormone Deficiency ~ You take a sudden interest in
"Wrestlemania.", and shaving cream commercials.
Hormone Therapy ~ You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to see the Chippendales.
And, by far the easiest way to tell if your wife is experiencing menopause...
You find yourself uncontrollably agreeing with just about everything she says.
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pakadevas Freebees
This is the place ! Find real freebies, Interesting finds,&
contests ! Subscribe to enter & receive a FREE phone card !
Check our Crafts, Natural Beauty & other Recipes pages.
WIN !!! "Happy Feet Contest" for September ! Silverclicks !
http://www.pakadevasfreebees.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Now, we are in the computer age, and cyber sex is all over the place. Well, as
a public service, we though that we would show you something useful that you
can do with your computer, the next time somebody says: "What a great
screen name...Just how many hands will I need to hold it up?" No longer will
you need to worry about measuring it from the top, from the bottom, or from
around the shaft and multiplying it by your age you lying bastard. No, rather
than using some random number that just popped into your head the next time
she, and I use that term loosely as there is a 50/50 chance of it really being a
woman (Shriveled you up now, didn't I ?) asks you "Just how big is it?" , you
will be able to use and AVhumor standardized keyboard measurement.
Here are a few simple instructions in order to be consistent.
1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded
hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately
below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different
on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z
key).
Please note that if you cannot get your testicles in the places described
above, you should either immediately turn up the temperature in your
basement, or aim away from your keyboard as you are ready to fire.
2. Grasp your member in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number
key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is ``1234567890-'' the
backspace key removes the +.) If you do not hit any keys, then you may be
better off measuring it around the shaft, and multiplying it by your age you poor
bastard
3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance
of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently at the girl
pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above
test. Want to see a magic trick? Try the same thing with a picture of Janet
Reno.
Cautions
1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results and cause
the person at the other end of the conversation to possible throw out his, um, I mean her back laughing.
2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard, or place two
keyboards end to end.
3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with
alcohol first.
4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire
extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT. Test can also be
used to diagnose some genital disorders.
Test Results Diagnosis
1 -- You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome
12367 -- You have a strange gap in your penis
12efgbn -- Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's
Lean.
12wgui,l=]\ -- Seek immediate medical attention.
1234rfcxz --- Severe Curve and should only sleep with hookers
1qa2ws3ed4rf5tg6yh7uj8ik9ol0p --- You can make a good living on the
streets.
12341234123412341234 --- It is no use, no matter how many times you slap
it, it wont get past the 4, just fess up, and head over to
Penitone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Want to try out a few other FREE lists? (If you do, it'll help us grow, so give it a shot)
CLICK
HERE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
=====================================
*** AMERICAN FLAGS ***
=====================================
3'x5' Outdoor Flag, Just $9.95
When you buy a remembrance flag, The Email Shopping Network
will donate 10% of total Flag Sales in your name to the
American Red Cross designated to the relief efforts in New York.
Click Here for more details=>
AMERICAN FLAGS
|
|
Wisk me away to:
AVHumor's Fabulous
Funnies Super Secret Download
Emporium for Today's AVHumor Download and great Fitness motivational
animated gifs for your e-mail.
Ever wonder just what sex was like in the stone ages? Did they ever swap?
Come now! Is it only me who thinks of these things?
OK, if you are not interested in seeing a real live extramarital affair the way that it was
then just pass this sextion by, but if you really want to know the meaning behind
"Bed"rock
you will have to get our Sex in the Stone Ages Informative File of Fun in
Today's Fabulous Funnies Super Secret Download Emporium Click on:
Download
Note that this should not be confused with today's Flash file of fun at the end of the issue.
|
AVHUMOR NOTES:
Wanted:
Person(s) to work in our advertising
department. We need people to surf the web,
newsgroups and opt in lists, and to find
us advertisers for our
new web site as well
as our opt in mail lists. We have 200 lists to sell for and
its growing daily.
Compensation will be on a
commission basis. |
Wanted also: Opt in Mail lists. We are looking for other mail lists, both humor and non, to join
our family of mail lists.
Advantages are too numerous to mention here, but if you
want to find out why you should join our family of lists, send us
an e-mail and put "Family
of Lists Info" in the subject line. Thinking of
starting a
list ...then talk to us too! Why do a list
for free, when you can get paid to do your list. |
If you have not tried out
AVXHumor, and would
like to see a perfectly
outrageous , more raunchy
version
of AVHumor this is what you have to do ...
Pick up your inaugural
issue by
clicking on Premier
Issue
Then, if you would like to
keep getting AVXHumor
sent to your e-mail box,
every Tuesday night, just
follow the instructions in
the e-mail. It is as
complicated as that. I have to warn you
though...It is the raunchiest, sexiest adult
multimedia
humor Emag on the net. You
have to be 18 or over to get it from our
autoresponder,
and even then we would
prefer you get your parents permission.
Please note that the address for the autoresponder at Netscape has not been working
since Netscape did their overhaul and we are not sure when it will be working,
so if you sent it there and have not yet received your premier issue,
just resend it to the new address in the link.
|
| Disclaimer: |
Here Ye Here Ye
The town crier officially announces that AVHumor is the funniest Adult Multimedia EMag on the net.
And we can legally put forth this disclaimer in any font size we
wish.
What we are..
One of the largest and funiest trading clubs in the world of multimedia humor.
What we do...
We redistribute Multimedia humor that has been sent to us, among our subscribers and members
What we also do...
Write a lot(and I mean A lot) of our own humor...You can rip off our humor any time...just make sure that you give us credit and send everyone to our URL.
What we don't do...
Sell any of the multimedia humor
AVHumor will only post Multimedia humor that has been sent to us for redistribution. We believe in the integrity of all of our tens of
thousand(s) of subscribers, and hell we can't check out that all of them are telling the truth so...
If we have posted something of yours, without the permission that was required, we unaware that it was yours...just let us know and we will gladly remove it or give you credit...your choice.
If we have done anything to piss you off, done anything wrong in your eyes or the laws of the Country/State or Province which you reside, we have not done it intentionally, and will rectify the situation as soon as we are clear as to what the situation is.
|
|
|
|
